Some things you may have seen

Some internet hoaxes I wrote:

May 10, 2000

Microsoft Announces DOJ Plan Alternative

Filed at 10:57 a.m. EDT

By The Associated Press

REDMOND (AP) -- Microsoft CEO Steve "Bill" Ballmer today announced the company's counterplan to the Department of Justice's recommendation to split the company in half.

"We believe that the DOJ plan doesn't go far enough. History has shown that every Microsoft employee is smarter and richer than the average corporation, so we propose to split the company into not two, but thousands, possibly hundreds of thousands, of smaller ones." These "Micro-Bills" would cooperate as part of a new syndicate called "Many Independent Companies Really Operating Separately Often Finding Tie-ins"

"Everyone will get to be their own CEO." Each new company's assets will include 50,000 shares of stock, 3,000,000,000 options to distribute to incoming employees, a portion of the Microsoft codebase, and a unique codex from Bill "Macro-Bill" Gates's private DaVinci collection. In addition, each company will be granted its own stock symbol on the Nasdaq stock exchange. In the case where a symbol is already used, the new company will use it anyway and hope the old one will be forgotten.

Bill "Bill" Conseco, current Microsoft employee and the future owner of "Conseco Office Assistant, Inc. (SYM: CSCO)", had this to say of the plan: "This will enable us to compete in the open marketplace."

Mr. Gates, one-time CEO of Microsoft, was unavailable for comment. He is rumoured to be fully committed to the development of an oscillation overthruster.

Thursday October 7 8:32 PM ET

L.A. Gear issues warning not to pump gas while lit

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Following close on the heels of the announcement made today by several major gasoline station operators that motorists should beware when using cell phones while pumping gas, claiming the possibility that a spark from the battery may ignite the fumes, minor sneaker manufacturer L.A. Gear has issued a press release warning of a similar possibility while wearing their flashing LED "Light Gear" sneakers.

Jocelyn Flanderbus, a spokesperson for the company, said "[we] recognize that there might be an explosion danger from our product, if a child, perhaps even a small child, ran too quickly around gasoline fumes. While the output of our LED sneakers is small in terms of total wattage, a quickly running toddler could potentially generate enough gamma radiation to start a chain reaction. We just want our kids to be safe. Won't somebody please think of the children?"

Critics of the announcement have accused the sadly flagging L.A. Gear company of simply "jumping on the bandwagon to boost sales", adding "what's next, warnings from Fiskars not to run with scissors?."

November 11, 1998

Microsoft "Had Enough" Says Chairman Gates

Filed at 1:54 p.m. EST

By The Associated Press
REDMOND (AP) -- Beset on all sides by competition in various forms, Microsoft CEO Bill Gates announced today that the company would be immediately shutting its doors and halting all production on new software. In the words of Bill Gates, "We've had enough of this. You don't like our business practices? Fine. Fix your own damn Excel. We're going to Tahiti."

Harried by antitrust suits from the Justice Department and multiple State's Attorneys General, and fierce, growing competition in all markets from both commerical competitors, like Sun Microsystems and Netscape, and the growing interest in what industry insiders call the "Open-Source Software Movement", as well as constant pressure to release at least something innovative with the name "Windows" on it, Gates has decided to take the money and run.

Herve Sumare, leading technical analyst, says that the signs were evident. "They cut technical support first. Then, their web pages started to go. Have you tried to find anything on the Microsoft site recently? It's 404-ville over there. And Service Pack 4 for NT? 24 megs, and it's just 37 copies of the new media player. And what's this Windows 2000 crap?"

The only comment from Microsoft representatives:

"Oh, well, we'll leave the 900-number for Fury tech support in place."

November 16, 1998

Microsoft Monopoly to Imitate U.S. Government Strategy

Filed at 2:31 p.m. EST

By The Associated Press

REDMOND (AP) -- In what could only be described as "a brisk move", software giant Microsoft today announced the formation of a new organization: the aptly acronymmed "Conquer the Internet Agency". The new organization, led by none other than William H. Gates, III himself, is only one of Microsoft's new tactics unveiled today, but certainly the one with the most impact.

Beleaguered with increasing numbers of antitrust suits and steadily growing competition from other large companies as well as the grassroots movement known as "Open Source Software", or "OSS", it has become increasingly clear to the Redmond industry leader that its traditional slash and burn tactics simply won't cut it in the future.

Microsoft has long had success with taking other, well-established abbreviations and making them their own, and the software giant hopes to combine this success with the previous accomplishment of the U.S. Government, which was able to completely replace the OSS with the CIA in 1947.

The "New CIA", as it is affectionately called by Gates, will have carte blanche to destroy all forms of free software and will not be constrained by U.S. antitrust laws, as it will be based upon a large floating platform in international waters.

Like its U.S. Government counterpart, the New CIA will not be involved in international drug trafficking or assassination of foreign powers.

January 14, 1999

Beer to lead the way into the new millennium

Filed at 12:50 p.m. EST

By The Associated Press

LATROBE, Penn. (AP) -- The long-debated secret behind the elusive Rolling Rock "33" label was revealed today by an anonymous source who wishes to be referred to only as "Nosty The Clown".

In a letter mailed to prominent journalist/smutwagon Larry Flynt, Nosty, who claims to have worked at the Latrobe Brewing Company for years before being inducted into the higher echelons of the organization, stated that he "considered it his solemn duty to inform the world of the wrongs being perpetrated, all in the name of the mighty green bottle", and "to expose the conspiracy".

Nosty points the finger at many in his treatise, but the most important accusation lies behind the meaning of the oft-argued "33", printed on every bottle. Skeptics have proferred countless interpretations of the number, ranging from "Nothing" to "That was the year prohibition was repealed", but Nosty ends the confusion: "The number of devastation, the only number you could get by multiplying eleven by three, is the signal to be used by the diabolical agent of our times to trigger the apocalypse".

Later in the manifesto, all is made clear: "The day the magic number appears on correspondence throughout the land, the ancient association will resume". He further explains: "The glass-lined tanks would prove useful in guarding against radiation".

Whether this Clown's accusations bear any weight, or simply feed into the growing doomsday speculation is unclear at this time, as neither the U.S. Postal Service nor the Latrobe Brewing Company could be reached for comment, possibly because they have closed their doors to outsiders.

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